It's taken a lot of time for me to formulate my thoughts over this topic. I also debated whether I wanted to publicly talk about this. But, I created this blog with confidence that my readers would accept me and that I would accept myself for whatever it is I want to write about. I created this blog looking for a saving grace, one that would relinquish me from any judgements I had on myself. I want a "I don't care, I'm-gonna 'do me' no matter what" attitude. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.
So here I am, putting this out there. Here's a bit of backstory on the situation:
I had two boyfriends last year during my Sophomore year (at different times of the year people! I'm not a player!). I was pretty broken up about it when both relationships crumbled, I mean, who isn't when that happens? Even though it hurt, those relationships taught me a lot about myself, about love, about the world.
And now (as the title implies) I am single. Originally the title for this post was going to be "Being Single" but I quickly changed it to "Being Alone". I think alone is a more suitable title for my relationship status at the moment. Because someone can be "single" but it doesn't mean they aren't going out on casual dates with new people. So I'm "alone" because I haven't been on a date or talked to any new guys really since my last ex. Basically it's been almost a year since I've been interested in anyone.
Of course, loneliness overtakes me once in a while but I've been trying to fill my time. Babysitting, tutoring kids, working at AA, all of these have really helped. And through it I've learned more about myself.
To be honest, the last almost-year of my life has been spent getting to know myself. I'm starting to accept that. When I look back at myself during my relationships, I liked myself, but I don't know if I really truly loved myself.
Now that I'm single/alone, well, I can do whatever the heck I want. I was finally free to figure myself out and that was scary and exciting at the same time.
I have begun to dress exactly how I want to, no fear in being judged for my sorta-crazy and ever changing style. My music tastes never have to align to anyone else's. I can say what I want, when I want. My opinion is mine, no one else's.
I've truly realized that I live for me, not for someone else. This is my life, and if you enjoy being around me: cool. But if you don't then whatever. I can't change how someone else feels about me, but I can change how I feel about myself.
Relationships fall apart because one person or both people aren't willing to fix something or deal with each other any longer. We all have flaws, but love is accepting someone else's flaws. It's not my fault that guys in the past couldn't accept my flaws and ultimately, me. All I can do is be me and wait for someone who really genuinely cares enough to stay.
So I'm okay with being alone right now because I know something, somebody will come along. But for now, it's just me, mapping my way through the world, figuring out where I belong, falling and picking myself back up again.